At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
