Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
