Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i already hear my dad disowning me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
