Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
