my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
