After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
