Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
