After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
