White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
