Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
