The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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