I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
