I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
