I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
