I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
