sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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