I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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