he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
