I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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