here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
