Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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