Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
