I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
