Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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