Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
