hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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