Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
