chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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