Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
false alarm, still single
Randomize