i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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