Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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