did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
