Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
