Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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