you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
