living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
