We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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