I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
