Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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