Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
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