driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
