Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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