she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
