At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There r osticjed everywhere
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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