he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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