I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
