phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
