If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
