so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
