I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
