my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
