Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
