literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
