Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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