Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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