Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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