Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
