Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
