Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
