I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
