Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
