hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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