How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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