epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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