I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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