If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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